Right foot, left foot. Right foot, left foot. Right foot, left foot. Don’t close your eyes. Focus on the steps. Focus on getting home. Right foot, left foot. Ten more steps down. Almost there. The past several weeks the walks have been a halfway failed attempt at getting my exercise. With summer coming, the heat is in full swing and my body is not having it. About ten minutes into the walks, mom is on one side holding on to me and dad is on the other. Forrest, my dog, is the troop leader in front of us. He makes sure the path is clear from any impending danger that may arise from mailmen and viscous squirrels. Every 30-45 seconds he peeps his head back to make sure I am still moving, and I think it’s those moments that really motivate me to push forward to home. It feels like what used to be the most enjoyable part of my day is now the most excruciating. My body these days has been aching in pain, and I feel like I am dragging two 50 pound blocks on my back at all times with someone constantly draining all my energy out with a giant fire hose. Pair that with the visual auras and headaches, and suffice to say that I have just felt miserable–and rather frustrated. The cause of these increased symptoms are unknown at this point, but it’s not uncommon for a flare up like this to happen with POTS syndrome, especially with this Georgia heat.
Every time I start thinking my life is finally reaching a place of “normalcy,” I come across some sort of stumbling block. Every atom of my being yearns for some independence. For a life lived without chronic illness. For a chance to be free from the grip of this suffering and to know it wouldn’t come back and drag me down. I am just, I am so over it. I am exhausted–mentally, physically, and emotionally. I feel like I have been fighting this fight so long, even though it has only been five years. Have you ever just felt so overwhelmed with every aspect of your life?
Crying out to God, I find myself asking Him, when will this end? How can I go on Jesus? I can’t do this anymore. I am too tired. I am too weak. I don’t want to live on this earth if my days are filled with exhaustion, pain, and heartbreak.
Broken, spirit bruised, emotionally beaten, weeping, and at my lowest, Jesus gave me one word. As He gave me this word, I instantly knew He wanted me to share it with those of you who feel the way I do.
“To burn brightly our lives must first experience the flame. In other words, we cease to bless others when we cease to bleed.”
“Combat comes before victory. If God has chosen special trials for you to endure, be assured He has kept a very special place in His heart just for you. A badly bruised soul is one who is chosen.”
The darkest of nights. The pain. The meds. The surgeries. The tube feedings. The sticks. The scans. The humiliation. The “I don’t know what to do anymore.” The “I’m not enough.” The “this isn’t worth it.” The hours and days spent on the couch–and feelings of my life being wasted. The tears. The anger. All of it.
I have to believe that one day, He will use it to bless this broken world, to proclaim how good, pure, and Holy Jesus is through any situation, and to make His name known as a Savior and Healer. I want to be Chosen for that. I want to “bleed” for that. I want to be a part of something bigger than myself–especially if it means that Jesus gets glory. I have seen first hand how the Prince of Peace can come into a situation that is as dark as the night and bring joy as bright as the sun. He’s done it in my life. And He can do it in your’s. Through these dark days, I am going to cling to the fact that I’ve been chosen by Jesus to walk through this. I’m not sure what the purpose is, yet. But I’m excited, and expectant, to find out. That expectancy and excitement to see God’s plan revealed in the future (if it’s His will for me to see it unveiled) makes me want to hold on.
More importantly, I want you to hear me out on something. Whatever hurt or pain you are facing, the Lord has chosen you. He has entrusted you. He believed you were strong enough to face this certain battle so that you could be light to a broken, dark, and hurting world. He chose you specifically because He knew that, with Christ right by your side at all times, you could bless someone. You may not know the impact you are making on those around you just by getting up in the morning. I do believe the Lord knew you would walk through this hurt and pain. And He fully believed and trusted that You, my friend, were strong enough to endure the battle. So keep fighting. Do not give up now. Just remember when the pain is so, so deep, that you were chosen to fight this battle for a God ordained reason. The heartbreak, frustration, anger, tears, and hurt is not in vain. He will use it. Maybe you already know the reason He will use it for, or maybe you don’t. We don’t have to figure that out today. Just know that you are chosen. There is a purpose for your life. The suffering has a reason. And one day, it will all be revealed to you. Oh, how sweet that will be!
Hold on, Chosen friend.
“Grain must be ground to make bread.”
“Many of us cannot be used as food for the world’s hunger, because we have yet to be broken in Christ’s hands. ‘Grain must be ground to make bread,’ and being a blessing of His often requires sorrow on our part. Yet even sorrow is not too high a price to pay for the privilege of touching other lives with Christ’s blessings. The things that are most precious to us today have come to us through tears and pain.”
–J. R. Miller